At long, long last! Here we have a selection of photos from the time around my wedding, including all sorts of craziness – from hamsters to camels to giant cardboard underpants! The credit for most of these pictures goes to Roo (who persuaded me to buy her a camera so large it practically needs its own passport). On the upside, this means we actually HAVE some photos, as if it was left to me we probably wouldn’t. On the downside it means I have to take all her hair products and most of her underwear in my backpack, to make room for the camera accessories in hers. Which has given me a few strange looks in Customs, I can tell you…

NOTE: If you click on an image to view it full-size, you’ll have to hit your ‘back’ button to get back to the gallery – if you close the picture, you’ll close this website too! Best way I find is to right click the picture and choose the ‘Open in New Window’ option.

At Home in England

I arrived back in England separately from Roo – unfortunately, as it left her wide open to the Immigration people, who gave her a serious grilling. Luckily, she was allowed into the country (phew!) – under strict instructions NOT to get married here…

Roo with fairy floss — For anyone who doesn’t already know her – this is Roo!

Mum nurse — Here’s Mum. See, I told you she was a nurse!

Somerset sky — The sky at my parents’ place does some truly beautiful things.

Birds on wire — When the birds migrate, they do it from directly behind my parents’ house, apparently.

Burnham beach — Burnham-on-Sea beach – not quite Bondi, is it?

Medical Trial Letter — Proof positive that one CAN sell one’s body to medical science – and for quite a handsome profit, too! This is the only evidence I have… well, unless you count this strange twitch I seem to have developed…

Metal detecting — We did other things that year, too. Roo took up metal detecting, and spent a lot of time digging up my parents’ back garden!

We got to ride on THIS! It’s a Sea Tractor, and it crosses the tidal estuary to Burgh Island in Devon.

Favourite snack — Roo was bereft, discovering her favourite snack – Mi Goreng noodles – wasn’t available in England! So naturally, we imported them by the box-load.

Cock tools — For some reason they didn’t let us take photos of my penis operation. This is my dramatic reconstruction…

Kazoo — …and this is what they left me with. Believe me – you do not want to put this in your mouth…

Tree surgery — Me, about to decapitate this lovely (but space-gobbeling) tree – with my machete, of course 🙂

Front garden — This is the Land Of Indeterminate ownership, which my parents are trying to claim. Now without the tree, which made a nice support for this rather nice-looking table…

Hedgehog — Releasing a hedgehog, which we had to take in after I stood on it. In bare feet… Not even as much fun as it sounds!

Roo dressed weird — I… have no explanation at all for this photo. Please move along!

Wedding Venue 1 — The search for our dream wedding venue was frustrated by insanely-high rental prices.”Oh wow! Tony, can we get married here?” “No.”

“Lots of couples get married in our Orangery.” Well, at those prices, we aren’t going to be one of them.

Wedding Venue 3 — We even asked about getting married in this gorgeous old building in Taunton. You’d never know it, but it has a Costa Coffee in the ground floor!

Medieval hut — Ah, the medieval bus-stop! Not really what we were looking for…

Alternative shirt — I tried many different shirts, before eventually asking Mum to make me one from scratch! This one hung weirdly – and was black. But otherwise perfect… 🙂

Wedding Venue 4 — “Oh Tony, it’s perfect!” “Um… no.” (Cost to rent: exactly double our entire wedding budget. Not including food or drink. Or licence. Or celebrant. Or musicians…)

Wedding Venue 5 — “This place is gorgeous too…” “No.”

Forest hike — Figuring we could get married for free in a natural forest environment, we went hiking in search of the perfect place. We found lots of beautiful spots, but none that were suitable.

Safe — We did however find a smashed-open safe half buried in the deep woods!

Tree glade — We quickly discovered that along with picturesque trees, forests also have a lot of mud.

Big tree — This was the best-looking tree we found on our hike. It would have been perfect – if it wasn’t an hour’s hard hike from the nearest road…

Forest — This pretty grove looked promising – until we counted how many people were walking their dogs through it. In February. On a sunny day in July, we’d be inundated!

Amongst other venues, we even considered Stonehenge, and took a trip to look at it. Sadly, they don’t allow weddings here anymore.

The grounds of Taunton Castle, which we thought would be perfect for our alternative wedding ceremony…

Castle Construction 4 — …until we spotted this. Castle closed for renovation?!

Castle Construction 2 — A week later, when we came back to check on things… this is what we found.

Castle courtyard — We snuck around the back and saw this – the inside courtyard of the castle. A week after we’d decided to get married there. Guess what? Not happening…!

Secret Garden — But then we sneaked on a little further… and found this! A small, secluded little garden, invisible from the outside! It was perfect.

Secret Garden 2 — Another view of the Secret Garden… the bench is where we could see the altar going.

Upstairs winchester — Upstairs at the Winchester wasn’t too bad, but a little basic for our tastes. Downstairs, however, was perfect.

Alternative room — We took quite a gamble with the weather – if it had been raining, we would have had to get married in here!

Making Wedding Invites — This is where the D-based humour started – home-made wedding invites!

Invites finished — The finished invites! We were blown away by how good they looked. And I only lost a pint of blood in the process!

Altar test — A test-run of the altar – note the lovely cast-iron legs from my parents’ bird bath…

Boots Delivery — Look what arrived! Actually… what the hell did arrive? Any guesses? Yup – them’s me boots 😉

Outfit test — We did a dry-run of our outfits at a medieval banquet in aid of our next-door neighbours – a badger sanctuary called Secret World

Banquet — The whole family came! Although they had to rent their outfits.

Roo in bear suit — It was Roo’s idea to hire a bear suit to promote my book launch… personally, I think she had an ulterior motive

Mum as Bear — “Don’t take your head off,” Roo said to Mum, “you’ll frighten the children!”

Pants at the beach — We visited the beach, briefly. All the lifeguards wanted to get into Gill’s pants…

Teenage fans — This group of rowdy teenagers suddenly wanted to pose with the bear, once they knew there was a hot chick inside of it!

Kids LOVED the bear! Which was a shame, as my book is not exactly child-friendly.

Tony helps out — I did my bit to help, of course. Not being inside the bear made me available to talk to passers by. Unfortunately.

The whole crew poses outside Waterstones (bookshop) – with Mum still bearing all.

Hamsters!

Roo’s birthday present that year has gone down in history as one of my better decisions! Although it rapidly got out of hand, Roo’s hamster obsession gave her endless joy – and kept her busy while I put the finishing touches to ‘That Bear Ate My Pants!’ Anyone not interested in hamsters may feel free to skip this gallery – I can’t say I’d blame you! For those poor lost souls who identify with Roo’s craze, read on – but beware! Cuteness will ensue.

Violets Cage medium — Violet’s cage soon expanded into a double-storey, with a few optional extras…

Use of Gaffer Tape — A close-up shows how as Violet’s cage expanded, gaffer tape had to be used to reinforce the more ambitions joins…

More Rotastak Arrives — More Rotastak arrives…

Washing Rotastak — Roo spent quite a lot of time in the bathroom, washing every piece!

Violets Cage Grows — Spilling onto the floor now, Violet’s cage underwent considerable expansion. Again.

Violets Cage Evolves — As it grew into a tri-level structure, the cage had to be reconfigured to go back onto the dresser. And a stool. And the floor…

Violets Cage Large — And then it all got a little out of hand. The dresser had to go. Violet’s cage in the wedding era took up more space that our bed! And bear in mind, this luxury pad is all for one hamster…

Roo with Violet — Roo was delighted with how tame Violet became

Violet in the Oven — Violet delighted in exploring places we never even thought to block off – in this case, the glass front of the oven door!

The boys arrive — TWO new hamsters arrive to take up residence: Hedgehog, and tiny Licky, whose nose is just visible here!

Licky protrudes — Licky loved to see if he could get his entire body through the hole where the water bottle attaches. Plus, he knew we’d feed him when we saw him doing this!

Hedgehog Eating — Hedgehog scoffing some grub. he was a voracious feeder, a snatcher and a horder. But just look at those big bulging eyes!

Hedgehog in dish — Hedgehog grew to be perfectly round – as illustrated by him sitting in his favourite spot, his food dish!

Jordan

Now, there’s quite a lot of these! Because Jordan (the country) is amazing. If ancient history and big-assed ruined columns aren’t your thing, feel free to scroll past these! Otherwise, you might be here for a while…

The Bidet — The bidet in the Burj al Arab hotel proved that random buttons shouldn’t be pressed!

Amman Rabbits — Wild, city-dwelling rabbits in Amman

Amman, seen from the vantage point of its ancient Citadel, was rather… brown.

Ruins Parkour — I couldn’t help but practise a few jumps between the Citadel’s crumbling stone blocks.

Citadel Carving — The intricacy of the 2000 year-old carving on this fallen stone lintel is incredible.

Amman Ampitheatre was absolutely vast. Hard to believe it’s over 2,000 years old and still standing in the centre of a bustling modern city.

Amphitheatre Steps — Atmospheric shot up the steps of Amman Amphitheatre, showing how steep they are!

Moses Spring — Apparently Moses struck the rock with his staff here, and water came forth. Along with fast-food cartons, it seems.

Place of Baptism — The place of John the Baptist’s ministry. Anyone fancy a dunking?

Even I could float in the salt-rich Dead Sea!

Dead Sea Mud — The opportunity to cover myself head to toe in Dead Sea mud was impossible to resist…

Ass grab — The best part was Roo’s reaction when I left my mark on her…

Jerash Roman Manoeuvres — The Roman Soldier Tactical Demonstration in Jerash was actually pretty good.

Jerash Chariot race — The chariot race was by far the most dramatic part of the Roman Experience!

Executed by gladiator — Roo prepares to be executed, in the pose I nick-named ‘the Mother-in-Law’

Chariot Ride Jerash — The chance to ride in a chariot in Jerash was well worth paying the bribe!

Jerash Plaza — The circular Roman Plaza in Jerash was big enough to turn a 747 around in.

Jerash Columns — Roo poses with a huge column, trying to show a sense of its… girth!

Jerash Carving — The carving – seen here on a lintel of the Temple to Aphrodite – was incredibly detailed, and often completely intact.

Jerash Amphitheatre — Another day, another amphitheatre… this one in Jerash is smaller, but almost completely intact. We could even go into the tunnels inside it!

Up High in Jerash — I never could resist the temptation to get high…

Jerash Steps — A particularly photogenic set of steps in Jerash, buckled by the passage of time and local geological activity.

Another Column in Jerash — Me, lounging against another column in Jerash. There were many – and I think we photographed all of them…

Jerash Archway — This enormous archway in Jerash was just one of many – in perfect condition, and mind-bogglingly enormous!

Doorway to nothing Jerash — This doorway to nothing was typical of the semi-complete nature of the ruins of Jerash

Castle Renovations — This bloke (who isn’t me, sadly) was part of the renovation team at Kerak Castle

Wheelbarrows — All that castle renovation obviously required a strong workforce… and a LOT of wheelbarrows!

Crusader Castle — The interior of Saladin’s anti-Crusader castle at Kerak was an epic essay in the art of stonemasonry.

Castle Power — We spotted this outlet set into the thick stone wall of Kerak Castle. So that’s how Saladin defeated the Crusaders!

Madaba Hotel Lift — In the hotel in Madaba I fulfilled a lifelong fantasy of discovering an elevator that actually has that hatch they climb out of in action movies!

Tile Floor in Madaba — The walkways protect the priceless mosaic floor in this Madaba church

Mosaic Floor Madaba — But then the guard asked us for a bribe, and was happy to let us walk around on it.

Mosaic map of World — This impressive mosaic Map of the Know World helped archeologists identify key sites in Biblical-era Jordan.

Madaba Roman Road — Sitting in Madaba – on a perfectly preserved stretch of Roman Road.

We never even found out if the Madaba Costume Museum was even open, but we had a look round – and Roo climbed into an empty case to pose, of course.

The vastness of Wadi Mujib would give the Grand Canyon a run for its money. Actually, it would swallow it whole.

Road through Wadi Mujib — The road through Wadi Mujib could be seen curving away below us.

The Siq Petra — The ‘Canyon of the Crescent Moon’, from indiana Jones – proper name, ‘The Siq’.

End of the Siq — As we came to the end of the Siq, we were rewarded with a sliver of the Treasury

Glimpse of Treasury in Petraetra — In one of the most dramatic reveals on the planet, the Siq then opened out, showing us a little more…

Treasury in Petra — And finally, the most famous building in Petra, the magnificent Treasury, was revealed!

Petra More Tombs — Petra is famous for the Treasury building, but there are HUNDREDS of other tombs cut into the solid rock.

Tomb Interior Petra — Although the tombs in Petra were essentially empty stone chambers, some used the natural colouration of the rock to stunning effect.

Camel in Petra — A friendly-looking camel chilling out in Petra!

Bedoiun Stall Petra — The Bedouin-run souvenir stalls lined almost the entirety of Petra, selling fake antiques, beads and handicrafts.

Picnic Niche Petra — A convenient picnic niche in Petra, carved like the tombs out of the rock – albeit slightly more recently!

Donkey in Petra — “Ferrari for hire…” sure-footed donkeys carried people up and down the 800 steps to the Monastery. Yikes!

Rest Stop — Mum and I take a well-earned break from stair climbing at a Bedouin-run tea stall.

Monastery, Petra, to scale — This shows the size of the Monastery – and why those people in front of it couldn’t get inside…

Monastery in Petra — The Monastery is the biggest tomb in Petra, and by far the most impressive. Most visitors never see it though, as the trek to reach it is fairly tough and lined with thousands of Bedouin trinket-sellers!

The Monastry from Afar — The Monastery, seen from afar, really does look like a temple half as old as time.

Petra Royal Tombs — The Royal Tombs took the scale up another notch – less elaborately carved, but with huge arches atop huge arches, all carved from the cliff.

Royal Tomb Petra — One of the Royal Tombs in Petra. Huge, and hidden off to one side of the main tourist strip.

Petra Bedouin Stall — Occasionally we came across a stall that seemed more genuine that the others. We bought a few ‘antiques’ from this one.

Wadi Rum desert — The endless desert of Wadi Rum was every bit as beautiful as it was lonely.

Sand filled shoes — Sand filled my shoes most of the time in Wadi Rum. Actually, most of the time in Jordan.

Dune running Wadi Rum — Running up sand dunes is fun – and exhausting! In the background is the knackered Jeep.

Pushing Jeep in Wadi Musa — Me push-starting the Jeep in Wadi Musa

Knackered Jeep — No wonder the Jeep didn’t work – check out the ignition!

Wadi Rum Climbing — Me, doing a spot of scrambling/climbing in Wadi Rum

Atop a rock bridge — Roo and I, atop a rock bridge in Wadi Musa

Taking a break in Wadi Rum — Taking a break from climbing in Wadi Rum

Our ‘authentic’ Bedouin Camp was slightly more tourist-orientated!

Desert Sunset — Sunset in the desert is often spectacular

Digging up dinner — Walid, quite literally digging up dinner – which was being cooked in an underground Bedouin oven.

Dancing with Walid in the Bedouin camp was a little awkward…

Dancing with Walid 2 — …but he pulled out all his best moves!

End of Desert — And suddenly the desert endeth… at a town. Well, kind of.

Three on Camels — The three of us astride our faithful steeds!

Tree in Wadi Rum — This solitary tree in the middle of Wadi Rum provided shade for a handful of free-range camels.

Rude Shirt — Saw this shirt for sale, and the non-politically-correct brand name amused me!

Antique Shop Aquaba — This amazing antique shop in Aquaba was crammed with countless relics.

Gill’s Wedding!

Two weddings took place that year – well, probably thousands did, but the only ones I really cared about were mine, and my sister Gillian’s. Here are the edited highlights of Gill and Chris’s big day.

The Fort — Gill’s wedding venue was incredible. And cost almost twice our entire budget just to hire!

Polhawn Fort was impressive from the outside.

Inside the Fort — Inside, the fort was equally spectacular.

Chairs — The whole setting was absolutely stunning, as was the weather.

Roo helps Gill with a last-minute adjustment of her corset.

Roo looking sexy — Roo in her bridesmaid disguise – looking sexy!

Gill and Chris Marry — Gill and Chris at the altar.

Crying — Definitely got something stuck in my eye during the ceremony.

Gill and Chris sign the wedding register.

Gills Wedding Party — Our side of Gill’s wedding party, including Gramp – who still wasn’t quite sure what was going on…

Ski Cake — With both the bride and groom planning on making their life together in the snow, a pair of skiers were the icing on the cake!

Gill and Roo — Bride and bridesmaid, both looking stunning!

Dot Joins In — Gill and Roo’s friend Dot, from when they first met at Camp America, also came to the wedding.

Age Disparity — Four-year-old Wilf struggling to comprehend that Granddad is EIGHTY YEARS older than him!

My Wedding!

It took a LOT of effort to bring it to this point, but the final event was everything we hoped it would be. Butterflies flitted overhead, the sun shone, the harpist played… and Roo and I were joined, legally and spiritually, forever. It still makes my heart race just thinking about it!

Roo prepares — Roo getting ready for the main event. I never got to see this part, as I was already in town, dragging half a ton of tree-trunk out of the car boot.

Bracelets — Roo’s sister Vicky applies the bride’s ‘something old’ – a bracelet and necklace of silver charms, inherited from her Mum.

Creating bouquets — The beautiful wedding bouquets were created on the morning of the wedding, from the finest flowers ASDA had on sale!

Bouquets — And here they are! As good as anything hand-assembled by a master florist!

Help with boots — It took about twenty minutes to get my boots on – even with Sally pushing as I pulled.

Roos arrival — Roo looked hypnotically beautiful, as she pulled up at the registry office in the limo

Outside the limo — The bridal party pose outside the limo. Hard to believe all those people fitted in one car!

Carrying train — Roo climbs the steps to the registry office, with Saoirse faithfully carrying her train!

Wedding party at registry office — Gathered on the steps of the registry office

Linda’s daughter, and my God-daughter, Saoirse, was a flower girl. And she was absolutely adorable! Roo was very jealous of her fairy outfit.

registry office — Inside the ‘small room’ of the Taunton Registry Office, Gramp looks on as we exchange our official vows. To the strains of Duelling Banjos?!

Grand Staircase — The most photogenic part of the registry office was this grand old wooden staircase.

Lovely Altar — The altar was that big slice of log from my parents’ garden, cunningly balanced on the cast-iron legs of their bird-bath !

Friedas Chair — The chair we set aside for Roo’s Mum, Frieda. A butterfly landed on it during the ceremony!

Rings — We passed the rings around the congregation in this cute wooden box – £3 from a car boot sale (the box, not the rings!)

Roos Entrance — Roo arrived through a screen of foliage – right on time, even though we hadn’t thought of a way to give her a cue!

Roo from behind — “Does my bum look big in this?” Roo wanted this photo to show how outrageously long her train was!

Ceremony1 — The outdoor ceremony proceeded as planned…

Maraca — …at least until the maraca appeared! Neither of us could quite believe what we were seeing.

Handfasting — Our hands were bound together in the ‘handfasting’ part of the ceremony.

The real ceremony — The outdoor ceremony in progress.

Second Kiss — Our second kiss as a married couple was at the opposite end of the ‘aisle’ from the altar, under a lovely old tree.

Husband and wife — Walking away from the ceremony together – for the first time as husband and wife!

Favourite shot — This picture of us kissing beneath the ivy-clad tower of the Castle Hotel is both mine and Roo’s favourite shot of the wedding.

Entire party — The entire wedding party!

Our first toast, with Champagne provided by Kaz on arrival outside the Winchester

In the stocks — A sign of things to come perhaps… posing in the ancient wooden stocks outside the Winchester.

Reception Tables — The centrepieces on our tables at the reception were the result of some heavy-duty bargain-seeking on eBay. And they looked fantastic!

Cupcakes — Why have one big cakes, when you can have dozens of little ones? Cheaper, more colourful and much more fun. The cupcakes were a big hit.

Gills Toast — Gill toasting to the King and Queen.

Sonjas Speech — I was fully prepared for Gill’s speech to be embarrassing. I was not prepared for Sonja’s to be worse!

Cutting Cake — Roo performing the delicate act of cutting our first cupcake.

First Dance — Our first dance was a fairly stiff affair – partially because it was unplanned, and partially because I could hardly move.

Dancing — After that the party livened up, and soon everyone was dancing!

Wearing wings — After a few drinks, Roo managed to persuade Linda and Irene to part with their wings…

Strange cut out — This is… very odd. Apparently there was this cut-out thing in the Winchester, and… well.

Aftermath — This is the door I kicked open in the Days Inn. We never got a bill for it, as far as I know. My foot hurt for a while though!

Paper Article — We even got a write up i the local paper! Sheesh. Must have been a seriously slow news week.

The multi-level delight that is Torremolinos

View from hotel — The view from our hotel room in Torremolinos… very romantic!

Spanish Honeymoon — This is the only photo taken of us together on our first honeymoon in Spain. I guess we were just busy the rest of the time…

Tony on the beach — Me on the beach – wearing a crazy Dutch shirt that Roo’s relatives bought me before the wedding. As a joke… I think?

Roos Luggage — Roo was delighted with her purchase – a bright pink, gigantic suitcase! She said iIt made her feel like a lady, instead of a scummy backpacker. Until it fell apart a few weeks later.

Schindlers Lift — Can you believe it? It’s Schindler’s LIFT!!!

The Grand Adventure

This is the last photo ever taken of Gramp. We were sitting in his kitchen, and I was demonstrating my new smartphone. The following morning we checked him into hospital; the day after that, he was gone.

Bubble stuffed — Gramp’s tiny Nissan Micra, aka Bubble, got well and truly stuffed.

Pretty road — The sun-dappled road beneath a canopy of trees. England at its prettiest!

Pointless stile — Possibly the most pointless stile I’ve ever seen.

Tony Stoned — “This is the best stone of all,” I told Roo. “Why?” she asked. “Because it is outstanding in its field…”

One Pot Meal — Roo, creating one of her legendary one pot meals. I believe this one was baked beans and macaroni cheese. Yum!

View of UK — It’s views like this (of the Welsh borders) that I miss most about England.

Book Barn — Few signs caught our attention as much as the one that said: BOOK BARN!!!

Roundabout House — Possibly the cutest house I’ve ever seen, it started life as a medieval toll-booth.

Viaduct — I was not allowed to climb this viaduct. At all.

The Somerset Monument. It is not in Somerset.

Long Barrow — Massive slabs of stone formed the ‘long barrows’ in Nympsfield, Gloucestershire

The Iron Bridge in Iron Bridge. Ridiculous invention!

Aqueduct 3 — Pontcysyllte Aqueduct. There – I said it. Now go wash that spit off your forehead.

The Tow path atop the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct. Narrow, exposed, and only about 100ft up. I DARE you to pronounce it.

Secret Bunker Sign — Kind of ironic, really

Inside the bunker — Control room inside the Secret Bunker… no, I don’t know what a Bikini Alert is either. Maybe I should have read the information plaques…

Sign in bunker — Amusing sign inside the Secret Bunker canteen

Empty Queue — Best time to visit a theme park…

Empty Queue 2 — …when it’s raining, mid-week, in school term-time!

Happy Light — Even the traffic lights at Alton Towers looked happy!

Cliff Lift — The cliff lift, or funicular, in Bridgnorth

Cliff lift 2 — A view up from the bottom of the Bridgnorth Cliff Lift

Not much is left of Bridgnorth Castle – and what bit there is completely defies gravity

Bridgnorth town centre — The historic town centre of Bridgnorth

Old Building — We both love old buildings, and at 1580, this place was one of the oldest.

Camping barn — Our first experience of a camping barn was this gorgeous little stone cottage near Buxton.

Devils Arse — The Devil’s Arse (showcave) is entered through a wide crack…

Devils Arse sings — They even have a carol concert in there. Or something.

Carved graves — On a clifftop above Morecambe Bay are these eerie carved graves. They are unique in the UK – possibly the world – but are most famous for appearing on a Black Sabbeth Album Cover.

Failure grave — The same graveyard also contained this rather amusing tombstone…

Start of walk — We found the start of Hadrian’s Wall

Long road — The first day’s hike was mostly down this incredibly long, boring road. It gave us both shinsplints.

Hiking humour — A bit of humour to relieve the monotony, courtesy of the roadside litter.

Green Wall — Our first indication that there had once been a rather large Wall around here…

Nice barn… that stonework almost looks TOO nice. For a barn.

Nice barn 2 — Hm. Wonder what happened to this section of Hadrian’s Wall?

Turd Rock — If you look close… REAL close… you might just see a small pile of shit. It might even have come out of an otter. I decided not to investigate.

Following a muck spreader was NOT the highlight of that day’s walk.

This was the world’s least successful ‘Honesty Box’

First bit of Wall — Our first bit of Wall! After two whole days of walking.

Endless Wall — After a while, we started to get the feeling that this Wall went on forever.

Wall Cock — Roo was very excited when we finally found this carved Roman cock. I’m not sure it was worth the hours we spent looking for it.

Castle Ruins — ‘Mechanised Hiking’ as we named it, allowed us to visit some sights that weren’t on the Wall proper. It also allowed us to climb on them 😉

Wall Countours — The Wall followed the lie of the land exactly, regardless of obstacles. Like hills and mountains!

Robin Hood Tree — This stretch of Wall (and this tree) featured prominently in the movie Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Outside Loo — This toilet was not to be used for number two. For a variety of reasons.

The Wall Contour 2 — The Wall climbed some crazy slopes, almost as though to prove a point.

Fort Remains — The remains of a Roman mile-castle, with the Wall snaking off into the distance… up a nice steep hill!

Tewkesbury Abbey is massive and magnificent. And free to go into!

York Walls — A photogenic stretch of York’s historic City Walls.

York Walls 2 — Another view of the thousand-year old Walls

York canal — This picturesque canal ran through York. Whichever way you took it, York was just beautiful.

Australia-Bound…

With the Grand Adventure over, we had less than two weeks to pack our stuff and say our good-byes to England. We had an amazing honeymoon in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, which Roo’s family had treated us to, before arriving in Australia. Surprisingly, I wasn’t stopped at the border, and we passed a pleasant, if uneventful year in Perth. Roo worked hard as a cleaner, supporting me while I worked on my second book, ‘Don’t Need The Whole Dog!’ People who have since read the book tell me I probably shouldn’t have bothered…

The Sunway Resort Hotel, seen from the waterpark. Absolutely massive!

Honeymoon Bed — Our private villa in Sunway Resort – the staff really pulled out all the stops!

Private Pool — Nothing says luxury like your own private plunge pool!

Swimming in Privacy — Well, when you’ve got a private pool, you’ve got to swim in it! What’s that you say? Why, of course I’m naked! What did you expect?

Roo in the bath — Roo couldn’t resist testing out the gigantic sunken bath.

Amazing Buffet — The finger-food on offer was like something from an episode of MasterChef – and as far as I could tell, it was all for us!

Pavilion Dinner — Dinner in the Pavilion wasn’t half bad, considering.

Indoor Rollercoaster — There is some crazy stuff in Asia. Good example – this entire theme park – complete with full-size rollercoaster – is INSIDE A SHOPPING MALL! It’s 5 stories high and about the size of a decent city block. Epic.

Long Bridge — The world’s longest pedestrian suspension bridge, apparently. It wobbled A LOT.

Long Bridge 2 — From atop the bridge, you could see right through its wooden planks to the ground below.

Terrible Zoo — The zoo part of the resort was awful, with tiny, cramped cages of bare concrete. These Red Pandas seemed to have nothing to do but shag…

The sign says it all: Asia’s BS Attraction 🙂

Roman Massage — Our ‘Roman Bath Massage’ caused a fair deal of trepidation… but this is what we found when we finally dared venture in to the bathroom!

Thumbprint scanner — When we rented a room in Perth, our front door had a high-tech thumbprint scanner! Which was great – until it ran out of batteries…

Big TV — The house also had a big-assed flatscreen TV – 50″ at least! I was in heaven.

Booze Shop — Nothing says you mean business like shopping for booze with a trolley!

Christmas in Oz — Christmas as it should always be celebrated – on the beach!

Christmas Breakfast — Christmas breakfast in the Reynen household!

Notice Board — Message board in Roo’s Dad’s house. We’d spotted a hand-sized wolf spider in the hallway the night before…

Xmas Tree — Roo and I had our first Christmas tree together that year! Decorated with tape we stole from an illegal dump, naturally 😉

Boxing day sales — The Boxing Day Sales in Perth are deadly. This was taken an hour before the shops even opened…

Bedspread — Roo bought this bedspread, and I hated it. What do you think?

Oz bugs — Of course, it wouldn’t be Oz without an assortment of weird bugs. This one was just chilling on our car windscreen one day.

Car crash — Speaking of cars, here’s the one we bought – and Roo subsequently crashed! Not into this tree of course, that’s just a lucky coincidence of photography!

Numberplate — The crash only wrecked the air-con – which was a pain in summer! It also made the numberplate illegible, so Roo drew it back on with a felt-tip pen 😉

Cheque from Amazon — My first ever royalty cheque from Amazon! Hurrah!

Roos Job — Poor Roo worked hard that year, while I played at being a writer. She was a great cleaner – see the difference? But scrubbing bathroom floors is hardly a dream job. I’ll never forget her sacrifice!

Rice Show World Pile — I had a job for three months – sweeping up rice! It was an art installation called ‘All The People In All The World’.

Roo was busy with other things too – inventing her world-famous Monster Pants!

Edits — My work on ‘Don’t Need The Whole Dog’ proceeded apace – complete with extensive editing.

Paperback — Another landmark in my publishing career was the arrival of the first-ever paperback copies of ‘That Bear Ate My Pants!’

Bad Gym Day — We spent a lot of time at the gym, which led to some inevitable wash-day issues…

For my birthday that year I was given Vince, the Inflatable Velociraptor. I love him, but he scares me a bit.

Roo in orange — We picked all the fruit from Roo’s Dad’s orange tree. And then we… well, you would, wouldn’t you?!

I was thrilled to meet Paul Carter, author of the AMAZING ‘Don’t Tell Mum I Worked On The Rigs’. If you haven’t read it, go buy it NOW!

Melons — I, um… well, what can I say? I did mention it was a boring year…

Colour gloves — This was the Year of the Rainbow. I learnt how to dye Roo’s hair, which frequently meant I ended up partially dyed too…

Condomhead — The process involved wrapping Roo’s head in tinfoil and cling-film, which she slept in overnight. Condom-Head was born!

Rainbow hair — The result, however, was definitely worth the effort!

Rainbow hair 2 — Another view of Roo’s amazing rainbow hair.

Money — By the end of the year I was thrilled to be receiving regular cheques from Amazon. I was a real author! Well, kind of.

Doing odd stuff — I… have no idea what this photo is about. Talk amongst yourselves…

Cairns

We finished 2012 in adventurous style, with a trip to Cairns in tropical North Queensland. It’s about as different from perth as it’s possible to get, whilst still remaining in Australia – but then, that’s the beauty of the place. The relaxed, laid-back city, the stunning countryside and the lush Daintree rainforest gave us plenty of variety. It was only a two-week holiday, with Gill and her husband Chris flying in from New Zealand, and Mum and Aunty Margaret flying in from the UK. It was a joyful reunion in a fantastic part of the world – I think it’s safe to say we all loved Cairns.